I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
