Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
