My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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