just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
