I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
