Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
