So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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