Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
