Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize