In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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