can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
