i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
