youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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