Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
