i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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