did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
