Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Boobs speak an international language.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
