he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just cropdusted the office
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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