drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
