I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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