I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
tell me about the fingering
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
