Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
