do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
