I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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