Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
