How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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