Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
