Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
