Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
