I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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