i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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