so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
