we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
