Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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