Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
