youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
