Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Will you blow on my dice?
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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