A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
