If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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