Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
