Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
