I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
