its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
