Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
