I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize