i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
