cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
