either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
