My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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