I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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