dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
