I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
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