I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
