You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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