So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
