I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
