i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
