2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
